The Three Absolutes

Ok, so someone once said that there are only two things that are for sure in this world, death and taxes. Yeah, however important that is, I have my own three absolutes that I came up with in 2004 when my friend Rhonda had broken up with a guy or had been unhappy about the way a guy was treating her or something.

Absolute #1: All women are brats. Yes, I said it and I start with this on purpose. All females reading this are like “What, how can you say such a male chauvenistic thing?” And my response is, “Be patient. Oh, and point made.” Anyway, all women are brats. Now, the level of brattiness differs with each girl. Some girls are 99.99% bratty. On the other side, some girls are 0.01% bratty. Now, I truly believe that the majority of women fit between the 15-25% bratty mark. Now, there are a lot of women in that above 60% mark. An example of a 99.99% brat? Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. An example of a 0.01% brat….ummmm….Jane from Pride and Prejudice (yes I watched it, but after Mary’s persistnce :P).

Absolute #2: All men are jerks. Duh! All women who hated and disagree with with number that I’ve discussed this with have nodded at number 2. Now, I believe that every guys fits the same 0.01% – 99.99% range of jerk that women fit for brat. For my sister’s sake, I believe her husband is in the under 10% mark of jerk, probably in the under 5% level. Me, I probably fit the average 15-25% jerk mark, sometimes higher. No, I’m not humble, I’m brutally honest. Oh well. An example of a 99.99% jerk? That guy from the movie Hitch that said “get in, get off, get out.” I wanted to punch him. An example of a 0.01% jerk? Harder to find, but Mater from Cars (voiced by Larry the Cable Guy) seems to fit my intent.

Absolute #3: All people are stupid. Absolutely no question in my mind. Ever used a word wrongly? Oh wait, I just did. Ever used a word incorrectly? Sure you have. Ever slipped on something even though you were sure you were going to? Ever got an obvious question wrong? I misspelled “who” on a spelling test in 3rd grade. That’s one of the the stupidest things I’ve ever done. But I’m willing to admit it. I’d be more stupid if I had gotten it wrong and was never willing to admit it. This time though, I believe that the average stupidity mark is actually age dependant. Under 12, the common stupidity level is more 5.5%-10.5%. Come on, they’re still learning how to live. From 12-14, it increases to 15-25%. Then it catches a rocket. From age 14-26 this average marks hits a low at 35% and a high at 45%. The more common half would be 40-45%. It goes down after that college range and growing up necessity, people becoming responsible parents (notice it doesn’t go down by becoming a parent, but by becoming a responsible parent). So, it goes back to a comfortable 20-25%, possibly in the 15-20%. If you don’t believe me, just listen to a few Bill Engvall cds (“I’m a Dorkfish. Caught me on a corndog.” Oh, that’s still funny).

To sum up, there are three absolutes: All women are brats, all guys are jerks, all people are stupid. Yes, I believe that less than a quarter of what women say or do are bratty and less than a quarter is stupid. The same goes for guys and jerkiness (mmmmm…beef jerky…..anyway) and their stupidity levels. So the next time a guy is a jerk or a girl is a brat, remember, it’s normal. They can’t help it. They have to have at least one bratty/jerky (mmmmm….beef jerky….anyway) moment in their life.

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