The Talk Show

So, I’m going to pose the question that no one without a creative obsessive brain like me would dare ask. In other words, no one but me is going to ask it.

Why is it that no on has created a talk show hosted by Josi Kilpack, Sarah Eden, Robison Wells, and Marion Jensen/Matthew Buckley?  I mean, come on! It’d be hilarious. Yeah, they’re writers, but you know what I’d rather have the four of them over the View (except for Elisabeth Hasselback of course) or Regis & Kelly. They’d be ten times better than the boring drabble of overpaid, overarrogant news casters who probably secretly hate one another anyway.

The better question is, how would such a thing go? Well thanks to me, we have here the very top secret never before seen transcript from the pilot episode of their talk show. (I should be a writer!)

(Disclaimer: Each of the authors involved read over this completely fake transcript, before some minor grammar adjustments. Unfortunately for their fans, the people in question do not have their own tv show, nor has anyone offered. Each of them did give me permission to post this. In the end, this is for entertainment value only. Each author here is awesome. Go read/buy their books! Follow them on Twitter! Follow their blogs!)

Josi: Welcome to the first episode of Awesome Authors, I’m your host, Josi Kilpack.

Sarah: And I’m Sarah Eden, your ever cuter and more awesome hostess.

Marion: Cupcake or Twinkie?

Robison: Twinkies? Where?

Josi: Anyway…let’s talk about our schedule for today. First-

Sarah: First we will give you the weather report of Northern Utah. Perhaps it’ll be consistent and warm or as split-personalitied as Marion.

Marion: I’m Matthew today…I think.

Rob: Do I get say anything here?

Josi & Sarah: No!

Sarah: I mean, yes. When we discuss the latest creepy happenings of health problems, of course.

Rob: Of course. After the weather, I’ll talk about my latest health problem and why I’m going to continue to drink Dr. Pepper.

Marion(Matthew): I don’t think I’m going to talk to anyone but Marion for the next 45 minutes.

Josi: That’s nice Marion…uh…Matthew…whatever.

Rob: And then after some nonsense that is known as Twilight, we’ll be interviewing Annette Lyon-

Josi: My personal best friend-

Sarah: My personal best friend!

(Josi and Sarah look at Rob)

Rob: Well, she’s not my personal best friend.

Josi: We’ll just say that she’s our dear friend.

Sarah: You’re just jealous that she and I are closer.

Josi: I’m not jealous of that.

Sarah: Uh, yeah you are. Just like I did better than you in Survivor: LDS Authors.

Josi: How can I be jealous of something that never happened?

Marion: I still maintain that I could beat Sarah because of my tuna can opening teeth.

Josi: Ew.

Rob: And I still maintain that T.J. got it wrong. I would walk around naked, scare off the majority of you, then tell the rest my horror health stories and scare them off. That will leave Dan and me in the end. And we all know that Dan is creepier than me.

Sarah: Not remotely.

Josi: I still don’t see why you and Marion did better than me.

Sarah: Because I’m dripping in awesome.

Rob: Because it was in T.J.’s twisted mind!

Marion: That’s enough for the ridiculousness. I’m going to go hunt down some food.

Josi: There’s some canned bacon in the kitchen.

Sarah: (mimics gagging) Yuck.

Marion: (leaves and comes back with canned bacon with superhuman speed.) Anyone want any?

Rob: Wrong Wells brother. I don’t eat something just because it’s bacon.

Josi: Back to our schedule.

Sarah: Yes, why do we always go off track?

Marion: Because you’re here.

Rob: Yes, Annette Lyon will be here to discuss her new cookbook “Chocolate How Overly Controlling of Life and Tasty Elegance”

Josi: Perhaps Annette should write a book called “How to Keep Your Titles As Short As You Possibly Can.”

Marion: Why would she do that? That sounds kinda lame.

Sarah: That’s ok, you figure it out.

Josi: So, first, the weather.

Rob: (Thank goodness, we didn’t start with Twilight.) Today it’s supposed to be hot.

Sarah: Speaking of hot, have you seen Eclipse yet?

Rob and Marion: *eye rolling*

Sarah: Because it’s hotter than an Arizona day while being surrounded by a hundred hairy lumberjacks that just did the Charleston.

Josi: Somehow that’s both disturbing and disgusting.

Sarah: No more disgusting than Rob’s latest book.

Rob: How did I get into this?

Sarah: I had nightmares last night because of what you brought to critique group.

Marion: Why am I not in the cool critique group?

Josi: Because they’re already the size of a typical Mormon family…overcrowded.

Marion: Fine, fine. But next time, I’m going to create a critique group and not invite either of you.

Josi: Sounds kind.

Marion: And watch it. You may not be invited to our group either, Josi.

Josi: Our group?

Marion: Yes, Marion and me.

Sarah: Ok, Matthew.

Rob: I say we skip to our latest guest and wonderful author and self-proclaimed word nerd: Annette Lyon!

(Audience claps as Annette walks in carrying a large tray of chocolate covered treats.)

Josi: Welcome to our show Annette.

Annette: Thank you, I am pleased to be here.

Sarah: What do you have there on the tray?

Annette: These are different chocolate related treats from my latest cookbook, that I just call “CHOCOLATE” for the anagram that it is. First we have petit-fours made with real cacao. We also have some things dipped in my own special chocolate sauce: cherries, strawberries, marshmallows, bacon, blueberries…

Sarah: I’m sorry, did you say bacon?

Rob: Give me!

Marion: Duh! Bacon covered in chocolate is a delicacy.

Josi: Where?

Marion: My house.

Rob: The Wells are big fans of chocolate-covered bacon.

Sarah: Pass.

Annette: Yes, well, it’s a full meal in one strip. You’ve got a proper blend of antioxidants, protein, and good carbs.

Josi: I don’t recall chocolate being classified as a good carb. What resource did you use for that fact?

Annette: My house.

Rob: Yes, chocolate-covered bacon is definitely worth it. We’ll see what this does for my cholesterol.

Marion: I must say, I’m going to buy a copy of “CHOCOLATE”. Except, I was lucky enough to receive a free copy.

Josi: That’s not fair. Why did he get one and not me?

Annette: He won it off my blog.

Josi: I still want one. It’s not fair. I never win anything.

Annette: Don’t make me send you to your dressing room.

Josi: But…

Annette: I’m serious.

Josi: But…

Annette: Not one more word.

Josi: But…

Annette: Go!

Josi: (exits in a huff.)

Sarah: Oh, thank goodness. She’s gone. Now, back to the Sarah Show.

Annette: You too missy, to your trailer!

Josi: (off stage) Why does Sarah have a trailer?

Annette: (as Sarah storms off.) Listen, I didn’t set up the room arrangement here. If you’re a good girl, I’ll see what I can do.

Rob: Well, look at the time, I have a doctor’s appointment soon. Better go get a Dr. Pepper so I’m alert for it. (exits)

Marion: Well, Marion, how are you today?….Really good, thank you Matthew….(Annette looks at Marion in a disconcerted manner.) What’s new?….Oh nothing. What’s new with you?…I just scored some awesome chocolate covered bacon from Annette Lyon….Sweet, she’s an awesome chocolate/grammar guru….Yep, nothing goes better than those two things. But the best part is, everyone else left and I’ve got a tray full of chocolate-covered elegance all to myself.

Annette: (Snatches up the tray.) Go to the bathroom and wash your face off…uh…both of you. (Marion leaves. Annette looks at camera.) Welcome to “Chocolate With Annette” today we will be discussing….

Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are scheduled.

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2 Responses

  1. Hee hee hee hee… perfect.

  2. I’m still ticked about the trailer thing. I’ve notified my attorney.

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