Yep, I’m a guy saying this. But you know what, sometimes it takes a guy to point these out for his fellow man. Well, his fellow stupid man. (And for all the women reading this, I know you just asked if there was a difference between a man and a stupid man. You know what, it was too obvious of a joke.)
Thanks to Julie Coulter Bellon’s tweet that someone should write a book called that (and my big mouth, aka typing hands) I volunteered to be qualified to do this as a blog post. Yes, Don Carey, I’m qualified. Also, I must admit that when I first met Tamara Heiner, I kept commenting on how skinny she looked. Now I was the only guy to say this, plenty of women commented on it though. (Yes, Tamara, they’ll still say you didn’t look as big as you felt, and I’m sure you hated every moment of it. I”ll slap myself for ya.)
So, here are 10 things that you really ought not to say, which is also contributed by my good friend Casey.
10. “Yeah, that’s pretty much what I expected from someone in your condition.” Thanks to Don, this is popping up on the list. This deserved a spot. I mean, come on! That’s like a prejudice joke toward pregnant women.
9. “Can I feel your belly?” Well, either that or they just do. Dude! Do I go up to you, touch your belly and say “is that where all the ding dongs at the 7-11 went?” And no pregnant women will. I’ll say that the father of the baby (hopefully the mother’s hubby) and certain family members and extremely close friends can get away with this. But that woman has to have a small ‘bubble’ to begin with. Don’t be surprised the next time you touch a woman’s pregnant belly if they say “I can get my palm to your cheek faster than that.” And then do so. SLAP!
8. “Do you really think you should be eating that?” Don’t worry, it takes brains to not say this. Therefore, you can say it without the pregnant lady eating yours, since you ain’t gone none! Ok, I’ll give you ‘drinking that’ and ‘smoking that’. But eating that? The baby wants protein. So a big Red Robin hamburger is perfectly acceptable. So are my wife’s cravings for Big Macs and Whoppers. (Not remotely kidding.)
7. “Your boobs look bigger.” Never said this one. Heard my former boss say this to a co-worker once. Well, something along these lines, only worse. Um…I’m sorry, the only person who is permitted to say this is the woman’s husband. (FYI, boyfriends are not allowed until there’s a ring on that finger, just a word of advice.) And even then, hubby can’t even make this comment until after the baby is born. Even worse, the mommy-to-be can complain about her breasts as much as she wants and no one can say anything.
6. “How much weight have you gained?” Guess what, if she tells you, you get to tell her how much you’ve gained. Or she’ll throw some obnoxious number out there like 170 pounds. Honestly, that’s none of your business. Ever! That’s like rule #1 in society: Never ask a woman her weight. Followed by #2: Never ask a woman her age. Then there’s #3: Men are wrong, but we pretend we’re right so deal with it.
5. “You’re not even married! What happened? He leave you?” Um…one thing that people (yes, generally men) don’t understand is that fingers swell up during a woman’s pregnancy. (Go watch the first 20 minutes of Mrs. Winterbourne and you’ll see what I mean. After that, watch Mrs. Winterbourne if you’re in a chick-flick mood.) Anyway, guess what. She’ll make sure your fingers are broken so that they can swell to the size of sausages. At least hers will still be useful when this conversation is over.
4. “My wife/girlfriend wasn’t that big when she was that far along.” Why not say this one? Because a woman who’s gone through the pregnancy knows never to say this. So said wife/girlfriend will be joining forces with pregnant lady in question to make sure you don’t speak ever again.
3. “Did you know that’s the 8th time that you’ve gone pee since I got here?” And she’s wondering who named you the bathroom police. She’s also contemplating whether or not she can get your head into the toilet for a swirly.
2. “Did you know that giving birth hurts, like a lot? You probably won’t handle it so you should get an epidural.” After slapping you with both hands, head butting you, and kicking you in the crotch, she’s going to ask if you need an epidural. She’s also made sure that you’ll never have any children if you’re a guy. If you’re a woman, well, you’ll have none either, I’m sure.
1. “Is this what your PMS is like?” I’m going to say that the answer is ‘no’ and it’s followed by ‘cops leave pregnant killers alone.’ (For some reason, this reminds me of the scene from 10 Things I Hate About You after Kat drives her car into Donny’s after he blocks her and Kat’s dad says “My insurance doesn’t cover PMS.”)
Here’s a real bit of advice for husbands/boyfriends of pregnant women, especially on the first kid. Suffer through it! Honestly, my wife wanted to watch Baby Boom when she was pregnant with our daughter. Well, I said there are a couple of other movies to watch as well concerning babies. We went with Mrs. Winterbourne and Look Who’s Talking. Yeah, they’re all different, but they all have a pregnancy/baby theme to them. Then, when she’s down for one of her many naps, watch The Italian Job, S.W.A.T., and The Bourne Identity
Comments of extra ones not to say are absolutely welcome. (Keep it clean.)
Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are necessary.
Filed under: Top 10 Day |