Nothing to Be Seen Here

Yep, basically, this is an empty blogpost with nothing really important to say.

See, I’ve been busy. Writing? Nooooooo. Work has decided that it needs to eat up my brain so that I can’t funciton properly to do things for NaNoWriMo. I have achieved over 10,000 words. Only 40k to go, right? I can do that….8 days….meh, who am I kidding. Goal will be (as long as I ‘fail’ at this one) is to finish by December 31st. And somehow, get enough ready so that I can pitch at LDS Storymakers in May.

Just an FYI, I can’t wait to register for Storymakers. Why? Mostly because I want to pitch to Sarah Crowe. Why? Because she’s awesome. Two of my favorite authors have her as an agent. One of my favorite writer friends is hoping to one day have her as his agent. I just think I should be added to that list. (Yes, I’m that entitled. 😉 )

And other than that. I have nothing else to say, except:

Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are scheduled.


10 Real Books to Not Read

So, my good friend Tamara Heiner (can I call someone I hung out with for about 4 hours over a period of two days a good friend? Oh well, we’ll see) enjoyed my list of 10 books that I don’t ever want to read that aren’t written. I’m going to add ‘yet’ to the end of that sentence.

Ok, so we all have books that we say “I’ll never read that” toward, but on the same token, some of them aren’t really noteworthy. I mean, honestly, I’m not going to ever read anything in the Harlequinn romance where the cover just screams sex. I’m good. No, I’m talking books that exist that you’re sitting there thinking “Who had too much to drink the night before this got put on their desk?”

So, I had to research this. I had to find books that really caught my attention.  I found a list on Amazon for the worst books ever written. And honestly, I was surprised by this person’s list, which included the following: The Sword of Shannara by Terry Brooks, The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan, The Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum, and The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. (I think his hatred was toward books with “The” in their titles.) Seriously? First King of Shannara was worse than Sword. I’ve heard the same about Jordan’s prequel. And I’m not touching the others. Just don’t think they’re deserving of such a title. But, everyone’s a critc right?

Including me. This just meant that I had to do more digging. I think the author/author(s) in my list actually tried to make a point with his/her book. And that point isn’t “media attention.” I measured (judged, whatever) that each author had less than 85% “media attention” as the reason they wrote their book. (With #1 being the exception because…we’ll you’ll see.)

10. Here’s the Situation (with some other words in its title) by Mike “The Situation” Torrentino and Chris Mills: Ok, this heinous idea for a book definitely deserved a spot on this list. Why? Well, to start, he’s not a WWE wrestler. Second, wait, do I really need to be reasoning out why someone who refers to himself as “The Situation” shouldn’t ‘write’ a book.

9. Eragon by Christopher Paolini: I saw the movie for this one too. I thought it was good, until I realized that I’d already seen the movie. About 20 years earlier. It was called Star Wars. This isn’t original. It’s just moving one thing from Sci-Fi to Fantasy. Seriously, I can go take Mistborn and copy it into a sci-fi world on spaceships and totally rip off Brandon Sanderson. Brandon’s cool and undeserving of such a stupid thing. But the thought is the same. (Coming soon “Metalcontroller” by me. Ok, not really.)

8. Twlight by Stephenie Meyers: I respect Stephenie Meyers for making it big. Unlike J.K. Rowling, after seeing the movie I have no desire to read the book. Edward bugs me with his “I can’t really speak without a British accent, so I’m going to speak slowly and softly throughout the movie.” And with no plans to read Twilight, you can rest assured that none of the SAGA comes with it. (Still need to see Vampires Suck, by the way.)

7. Anything by Danielle Steele: No, that’s not a title. Just a fact. I’ll be reading Pride & Prejudice (with or without zombies) before I’m reading her trash.

6. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray: This was written by a guy? Really? Better, who cares? I don’t. There are some obvious differences between men and women. There are some subtle differences. Do we really need a book to help us say “Women, now you can understand men” and vice-versa? No. Why? Because it’s like saying “I now understand all Utahans because I live in Utah.” That’s not possible, because amazingly enough, WE’RE ALL DIFFERENT. Idiot!

5. Mommywood by Tori Spelling: Or anything else this chick’s written. Correct me if I’m wrong (because I didn’t watch it very much) but wasn’t Donna the rich ditz of Beverly Hills, 90210? Yeah, I’m pretty sure she was.

4. Star: A Novel by Pamela Anderson: A novel? Really? You have to specify that this isn’t a ‘how-to’ guide? Better question, why was their a sequel? I’m going with 84% on the media attention scale. Her agent obviously saw a dumb blonde and thought, “how do I take advantage of this?” but honestly, who really wrote this. I’m curious. I doubt it was Pam herself.

3. I Just Want You to Know by Kate Gosselin: Honestly, this was going to be #1. However, I felt that there was an ounce of sincerity to the title. Even so, self-publish it 8 times and give it to your kids for Christmas. Those who buy the book must also religious watch Desperate Housewives and Days of Our Lives (now if Alison Sweeney from Days of Our Lives/The Biggest Loser wrote a book, that’d be different.)

2. Modelland by Tyra Banks: Are you kidding me? I mean, yeah, I’ll give you that Tyra is fairly attractive. But out of all the things for her to do, writing a book? Now, I’d be ok if the title of her book implied “pretty girl lost in horrible fantasy world.” But the title of her book implies “Come on Barbie, let’s go party” instead.

1. First Step 2 Forever by Justin Bieber: At least Tyra’s hot and not some douchebag tweenie wannabe who sings like LeAnn Rimes. No wait, that’s an injustice to LeAnn. Anyway, who is surprised that this is #1? If you are, read my blog some more.

As you well know, this list may as well have 200 books on it. I could go on. But I won’t.

Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are scheduled.

The Dad Chart

Yes, I’m spending precious NaNoWriMo time blogging. If I don’t meet my NaNo goal, doesn’t much matter. I’ll be published one day. Still not happening today. So maybe tomorrow.

Anyway, I’m a father with 2 extremely cute kids. Don’t believe me? Perhaps you should ask the 5,000 people who have stopped me, my wife, or our families in public just to let us know that our children are cute. Seriously, Japanese tourists wanted to take pictures of my daughter because she was so cute. Good thing I wasn’t there or I would’ve punched them out for being perverted. (I’m not an overprotective father, no worries.)

So, my friend and I were discussing the other day what type of dad I was. Well, I brought it up. Anyway, we were discussing how being an adult and father is different from being a teenager who just thinks their life is difficult. And we came up with examples of the different kind of fathers that there are. It took a while to come up with one of the examples, but I present to you “The Dad Chart”

Now, it’s Uber-Awesome because I created it, not because of the people that are on it. Time to analyze (like you didn’t know that was coming.)

Homer Simpson: Immature level: HIGH. Responsibility level: LOW. Who else reads a death threat and says “Oh no, someone’s trying to kill me. Oh wait, this is for you Bart, nevermind”? But then again, who screams when he sees a sign that says “DIE” on it and then screams louder when the wind blows the trees blocking the last letter to say “DIET”? (Ok, I probably would.)

Tim Taylor: Immature level: high. Responsibility level: Medium. This guy is the ultimate alpha-male (Sorry Michael Scott, Tim came first to tv.) But he did love his children and acted as ‘dad’ very well.

Cliff Huxtable: Immature level: medium. Responsibility level: Medium. No one defines ’embarrassing dad’ quite like Cliff Huxtable. From his ugly sweaters to his bad dancing and poor in-the-presence-of-the-daughter’s-boyfriend behavior, Cliff did his best to remind his children that he always was ready for what they through at him. But he did throw back some tough love as well.

Jack Geller: Immature level: medium. Responsibility level: MEDIUM. (This is Ross and Monica’s dad from the TV show FRIENDS.) The reason that he’s probably in the best position here with some equality between maturity and responsibility is that he had an adult relationship with his children. He had some times when he was the responsible Dad (like when he helped Monica get over Richard) and other times when he was very immature (like drinking a can of Sweetened Condensed Milk).

Danny Tanner: Immature level: LOW. Responsibility level: high. Remember Full House? Mary-Kate and Ashley being cute instead of acting like they’re hot (sorry, they’re not IMO.) Well, you’ve got this single dad doing his best to make his family work. He felt extremely responsible for everything going on in his house. The man was raising 3 daughters by himself (with some sidekicks that stole the show.) But honestly, he was very much for organized fun and cleanliness. (Why he didn’t marry Monica Geller…)

Mike Brady: Immature level: LOW. Responsibility level: High. Yeah, everyone’s got a problem. Go tell dad. Dad fixes problem. The end. How boring are you?

Max Sheffield: Immature level: Dangerously LOW. Responsibility level: HIGH. Snooty, stuck up, wealthy, but stupid. Seriously, who hires some Mary Kay chick off the street to watch his children? With that one lapse of judgment (the guy was raising 3 children by himself…hmmm….sounds eerily familiar…) this guy was way too responsible. I mean, he even kept the annoying blonde who threw herself at him at the drop of a hat away from him. (He did have a cool butler, though. Who wouldn’t want a butler?)

There you have 7 dads to look at in the list Immaturity – Strict/Responsible scale. (Not that strict and responsible are the same, but often the more ‘responsibility’ one feels, the more ‘strict’ one becomes.) So, if you’re a dad where do you fit on this list.

(Author’s NOTE: Blonde is not misspelled. This is the original French spelling and it has only been recently that the ‘e’ has been dropped. Were there one too many dumb blonde jokes that caused this to happen?)

Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are scheduled.

Music Mashups Round 6

As always, you should visit Casey’s blog to see the mash-ups 1-10. If you don’t recall the rules to how this works, I’ll explain them for you again. Since Casey and I chat fairly regularly online when work loads permit, and since we’re both listening to Pandora, we thought it’d be funny to see what titles we can come up with by mashing the titles of the songs we’re listening to. Biggest rule, they have to be playing at the same exact time (this is key for #20, or it wouldn’t have been on the list.)

11. Loser Wasteland – Come to the Loser Wasteland, where all the losers go that aren’t even good enough to be admitted to Loserland. Wow! There goes people’s self-esteem.

12. Chances Die Alone – If you are thinking you’re going to win the McDonald’s Monopoly Million, then you’ll see those chances die alone. If you spend $1 Million there, then maybe.

13. Why Don’t You Get a Job, I Miss You – This would be a lovely duet for a chick who’s waiting for her guy to get a job and take care of her (like the hot Carrie Underwood) and some douchebag who uses ‘love’ as an excuse to sit at home (like the stupid Ashton Kutcher.)

14. Call Your Name, Anna Molly – Anna Molly is so vain she stands in public and yells her own name just cause she likes hearing it. “Anna Molly!”

15. Evacuate the Dance Floor! Runaway! – HURRY! THERE’S A FIRE! EVERYONE OFF THE DANCE FLOOR! Now I can do the Macarena in peace! (Evil dance guest’s dream.)

16. Can’t Stop Killing You Like I Do – Seriously, is there a better use of present tense in here? Perhaps this will be the fourth book in Dan Wells’ I Am Not a Serial Killer series. (Crap, still haven’t read Mr. Monster yet!)

17. The Remedy: Plug in Baby – Baby screams. Plug the hole with a binky. How easy is that?

18. It Always Hurts (It Hurts + Always) – A masochist’s cherished song. (If you do not understand the term ‘masochist’ I think your mind may believe you are one.)

19. Mad World, Beautiful Disaster – I see a bunch of Mad Hatters and March Hares holding unbirthday tea parties at UN buildings. Don’t you?

20. Tubthumping Tubthumping – You drink. You drink some. Then you drink again. Then you keep on drinking. Not me. I don’t drink. But hello! Yes, this is awesome. Casey and I finally had the same song playing at the same time on Pandora. (Yes, we’re nerds, what’s your problem?)

Come back next time where I may amaze you with some interesting blog post. Or bore you to death with alien abduction references. Oh, speaking of…

Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are scheduled.