10 Real Books to Not Read

So, my good friend Tamara Heiner (can I call someone I hung out with for about 4 hours over a period of two days a good friend? Oh well, we’ll see) enjoyed my list of 10 books that I don’t ever want to read that aren’t written. I’m going to add ‘yet’ to the end of that sentence.

Ok, so we all have books that we say “I’ll never read that” toward, but on the same token, some of them aren’t really noteworthy. I mean, honestly, I’m not going to ever read anything in the Harlequinn romance where the cover just screams sex. I’m good. No, I’m talking books that exist that you’re sitting there thinking “Who had too much to drink the night before this got put on their desk?”

So, I had to research this. I had to find books that really caught my attention.  I found a list on Amazon for the worst books ever written. And honestly, I was surprised by this person’s list, which included the following: The Sword of Shannara by Terry Brooks, The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan, The Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum, and The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. (I think his hatred was toward books with “The” in their titles.) Seriously? First King of Shannara was worse than Sword. I’ve heard the same about Jordan’s prequel. And I’m not touching the others. Just don’t think they’re deserving of such a title. But, everyone’s a critc right?

Including me. This just meant that I had to do more digging. I think the author/author(s) in my list actually tried to make a point with his/her book. And that point isn’t “media attention.” I measured (judged, whatever) that each author had less than 85% “media attention” as the reason they wrote their book. (With #1 being the exception because…we’ll you’ll see.)

10. Here’s the Situation (with some other words in its title) by Mike “The Situation” Torrentino and Chris Mills: Ok, this heinous idea for a book definitely deserved a spot on this list. Why? Well, to start, he’s not a WWE wrestler. Second, wait, do I really need to be reasoning out why someone who refers to himself as “The Situation” shouldn’t ‘write’ a book.

9. Eragon by Christopher Paolini: I saw the movie for this one too. I thought it was good, until I realized that I’d already seen the movie. About 20 years earlier. It was called Star Wars. This isn’t original. It’s just moving one thing from Sci-Fi to Fantasy. Seriously, I can go take Mistborn and copy it into a sci-fi world on spaceships and totally rip off Brandon Sanderson. Brandon’s cool and undeserving of such a stupid thing. But the thought is the same. (Coming soon “Metalcontroller” by me. Ok, not really.)

8. Twlight by Stephenie Meyers: I respect Stephenie Meyers for making it big. Unlike J.K. Rowling, after seeing the movie I have no desire to read the book. Edward bugs me with his “I can’t really speak without a British accent, so I’m going to speak slowly and softly throughout the movie.” And with no plans to read Twilight, you can rest assured that none of the SAGA comes with it. (Still need to see Vampires Suck, by the way.)

7. Anything by Danielle Steele: No, that’s not a title. Just a fact. I’ll be reading Pride & Prejudice (with or without zombies) before I’m reading her trash.

6. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray: This was written by a guy? Really? Better, who cares? I don’t. There are some obvious differences between men and women. There are some subtle differences. Do we really need a book to help us say “Women, now you can understand men” and vice-versa? No. Why? Because it’s like saying “I now understand all Utahans because I live in Utah.” That’s not possible, because amazingly enough, WE’RE ALL DIFFERENT. Idiot!

5. Mommywood by Tori Spelling: Or anything else this chick’s written. Correct me if I’m wrong (because I didn’t watch it very much) but wasn’t Donna the rich ditz of Beverly Hills, 90210? Yeah, I’m pretty sure she was.

4. Star: A Novel by Pamela Anderson: A novel? Really? You have to specify that this isn’t a ‘how-to’ guide? Better question, why was their a sequel? I’m going with 84% on the media attention scale. Her agent obviously saw a dumb blonde and thought, “how do I take advantage of this?” but honestly, who really wrote this. I’m curious. I doubt it was Pam herself.

3. I Just Want You to Know by Kate Gosselin: Honestly, this was going to be #1. However, I felt that there was an ounce of sincerity to the title. Even so, self-publish it 8 times and give it to your kids for Christmas. Those who buy the book must also religious watch Desperate Housewives and Days of Our Lives (now if Alison Sweeney from Days of Our Lives/The Biggest Loser wrote a book, that’d be different.)

2. Modelland by Tyra Banks: Are you kidding me? I mean, yeah, I’ll give you that Tyra is fairly attractive. But out of all the things for her to do, writing a book? Now, I’d be ok if the title of her book implied “pretty girl lost in horrible fantasy world.” But the title of her book implies “Come on Barbie, let’s go party” instead.

1. First Step 2 Forever by Justin Bieber: At least Tyra’s hot and not some douchebag tweenie wannabe who sings like LeAnn Rimes. No wait, that’s an injustice to LeAnn. Anyway, who is surprised that this is #1? If you are, read my blog some more.

As you well know, this list may as well have 200 books on it. I could go on. But I won’t.

Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are scheduled.

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6 Responses

  1. 1) Books are always better than the movies, you know this. Twilight is no exception to that rule.

    2) I own a book, that I have not yet read, but got for like 50-cents at a thrift store. It’s called Charmed. It was “written” by Kendall Hart Slater, a character on All My Children. I bet it could also make your list.

  2. I happen to like Desperate Housewives (and LOATHE Kate Gosselin), thank-YOU very much. 🙂

  3. While I agree that you can choose not to read a book because you don’t like the author as a person (the Situation, Spelling, Anderson, Gosselin), but you can’t judge a book solely based on a movie. The two are often very different and the book is almost always far better. Honestly, from this article, I can see that you watch movies, but do you bother to ever really read a book for yourself? You can’t judge a book you haven’t even bothered to start.

    • FYI: Yes, it does sound like I’m judging a book by a movie. However, I don’t want to read the Twilight saga because I am not remotely interested in it and its hype. The story doesn’t really interest me at all. Its hype makes it fun to bash. That’s how I roll.

  4. I just read a book that is a bestseller and I hated it! Hated it! It’s called “We Need to Talk about Kevin.” Read my Goodreads review to see why I hated it.

  5. I’m really torn on Eragon. I had a lot of fun reading it, but then I’d been out of the loop with fiction for a few years and it primed the pump for me to start reading fantasy again. I actually didn’t make the Star Wars connection until someone pointed it out to me, and then it ticked me off.

    I see why little kids devoured it, and I cut him some slack based on the fact that he wrote it in his mid-teens. I just keep telling myself, whatever he writes next better be awesome, because if it hurts as bad as Brisingr did, I’ll never read his work again.

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